The Ideal Graduation Ceremony (in my opinion)

For various reasons relating to my other job I had to work as an usher at my college’s commencement ceremony today. I quickly became good at using my entire body to block peoples’ path to the exit behind me while saying “I’m sorry ma’am (or sir) you don’t want to go this way, this door has an alarm on it, where are you trying to go?” and preventing people from potential accidents involving the cordoning off rope.

 I’m increasingly certain that at some point a council of very old, very wizened men (all wearing pince-nez and sipping brandy) got together to try and figure out the best and most efficient way to make graduations ceremonies as non-exhilarating as possible. Don’t get me wrong, it was a nice ceremony and the speakers were lovely, but it could have been much more colourful and exciting. 

If I was The Universe’s Supreme Mistress of Commencement Ceremonies I would hire body builders with Rottweilers to guard the exits and direct traffic. I’d also get Mark Zuckerberg to be the speaker. Actually no, scratch that, Lady Gaga could be the speaker. All the Deans and the President would have to do their own dance when they came in and the music would DEFINITELY NOT BE “POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE.”  Perhaps Mumford and Sons would be willing to provide the music, but if not them than maybe Rammstein, (obviously Lady Gaga would be busy). Lastly, instead of having all the diplomas handed out in order by major to each person it would be much more challenging. There would be a fantastic countdown from 10 with a different loud and disturbing noise for each number. After 1 all the diplomas would be thrown by the spectators from different locations around the room (to make distribution even) into the crowd of grads. Then whatever diploma you grab, that’s your degree! It would keep things much more lively, on the day and far down the road. A fine plan, no? I can almost see my job offers rolling in.